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| |    Gay and Lesbian Parents by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. As many as 10 million children currently live with 3 million gay or lesbian parents in the United States. These numbers are likely to increase. A growing number of gay and lesbian couples are choosing to become parents--through adoption, insemination, surrogate parenting, and foster care. Additionally, there are men and women who have had children in traditional marriages and subsequently discovered they were gay. While some of these parents remain married until their children are grown-up, others divorce and continue to share the job of rearing their children with their ex-spouse. What do we know about the children? Like any family, what is most important for children is how loving and nurturing the parents are and whether or not the parents are aware of any special needs they may have. Since gay men and women can be as warm and caring (or as dysfunctional) as heterosexual parents, it is not surprising that the mental health of their children is comparable. Many studies have shown that there is no difference between the well-being of children raised by heterosexual parents and those raised by gay or lesbian parents. Furthermore, sexual abuse is statistically less likely to happen with gay and lesbian parents. Most intrafamily sexual abuse is committed by heterosexual males. Children of gay and lesbian parents are as likely to be heterosexual as are children growing up in more traditional families. At the same time, these children are often more tolerant of different sexual orientations and more sensitive to minority status. Most studies show that gay and lesbian parents make a special effort to expose their children to strong role models, both male and female, both heterosexual and gay. Special challenges Children of gay and lesbian parents face challenges similar to those faced by other minorities. They may be teased and made to feel ashamed at school when classmates learn that their parents are gay. This torment can be especially cruel when the teacher, other school officials, and the parents of classmates make no effort to educate themselves and their families about gay and lesbian parents. For children whose identity is in the process of formation, being viewed by peers as not normal and as a threat to the mainstream culture can create emotional conflict. Of course, such childhood trials can also build strength of character and empathy for others (and often do), but the process can be excruciating for parent and child alike. Many schools try to discourage teasing of any child by teaching respect for the values and lifestyles of other cultural groups. In these schools, the teasing of children from alternative families is likely to be much less. Value in adversity and diversity All parents and all children face special challenges. Your goal should not be to avoid all stress and travail--that's impossible, as you undoubtedly well know. Rather, your goal should be to use those negative experiences to teach your child about tolerance, empathy, and consideration toward others. For heterosexuals, the existence of gay and lesbian families offers you an opportunity to teach your child about different types of families and to value what is really important--not whether other families are different from yours, but whether they uphold those values your family respects: kindness, consideration, and warmth. Such lessons in tolerance and acceptance of diverse family structures will serve your child well in dealing with the exploding cultural diversity of the world of the 21st century.
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