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| |    Divorce: A Closer Look at Joint Custody by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Parents can actually divide up the time that the child is with each parent. This is referred to as joint physical custody. It is also possible for a child to live primarily with either the mother or father when the parents share joint custody. This is often referred to as joint legal custody. In joint legal custody, the parents consult one another about major decisions in the child's life--involving, for example, school, camp, health issues, and religious matters--and attempt to coordinate their decisions together. Joint custody is ideally approached in a spirit of cooperation between the parents. Both parents are important At times after a divorce, some fathers will withdraw from their children. (Mothers may also withdraw when they are not the custodial parent.) This can be very hard on their children, who want and need to have both a father and a mother to be part of their lives. Fathers, when interviewed later, often describe that they felt disconnected, unimportant, and unneeded. I think that joint custody lets both parents know that they are important in their child's life. Although it is a contract bound by the legal system, the most important thing here is the spirit of cooperation between the parents. Joint custody can be a tricky business. Or it can work very well for the child, depending on the circumstances. More and more judges today are allowing joint custody because it seems fair to have both parents involved equally in the care of their children. The details need to be worked out smoothly for the child's best interests. In cases where there is unresolved anger between the recently separated parents, it may affect the child who feels caught in the middle. Counseling can be helpful in resolving these angry feelings. When parents come back If a parent has abandoned the family and then comes back into the family picture, there may be increased concern as to whether this could happen again. And then, of course, the custodial parent worries about how the children will cope with the parent leaving once again. But if a parent shows interest in and concern for the children, it is important to support visits with the children. Putting aside anger The key in making joint custody work is for parents to put aside any anger and frustration in order to make the situation comfortable for the children. This will not be easy because many situations will require compromise and a willingness to adjust. Apart from their legitimate complaints about each other, divorcing parents may feel guilty about their inability to hold their marriage together. This gives them a strong motive for putting all the blame on the other parent. Clearly there is a danger when this kind of adversarial situation gets into the courts. It is for this reason that more family courts in many states are assigning impartial mediators to try to work with families, and this can be helpful for parents in setting up joint custody arrangements. I think it is also helpful to have a more neutral person present when the child is going from one parent to the other on visits. Having a grandparent present can be very helpful in establishing a safe, neutral environment. This will be particularly important in the beginning after a separation or divorce when feelings are exposed and both parents may feel wounded and vulnerable. The neutral party will help both parents and the children to feel safe. Joint custody can have significant positive ramifications for the children if the parents can work together. Research on divorce has found that, in general, children have a better social, psychological, and academic adjustment when both parents remain part of their children's lives.
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