 | ||
|
| |    Custody Issues in Divorce by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. It was assumed in the first three-quarters of the 20th century that children's needs would be best served, at least up to adolescence, by living mainly with and in the custody of the mother, unless she was clearly unfit. (It's interesting to learn that in the 19th century and earlier, when divorce was rare, custody was usually awarded to the father, because the children were property to which he was entitled.) In recent years, there has been increasing recognition that many fathers are just as capable of nurturing children as mothers, and now more judges take this into account in awarding custody. Naturally, but unfortunately, there is intense bitterness in many divorces. This creates a rivalry between the parents over custody and keeps them from focusing on what would be best for the children. Both of them assume that their custody would be best. The factors to consider are these: Who has been providing most of the care, especially in the case of babies and small children who will badly miss their accustomed caregiver? What kind of relationship does each child have to each parent? What is each one's expressed preference, especially in later childhood and adolescence? How important is it for each child to live with a brother or sister (apt to be strong in the case of twins)? In the past, it has usually been assumed that the divorcing parents will be adversaries at court, in regard to custody, child support, alimony, and property settlement. The more this battling attitude can be avoided, especially in the case of custody, the better for the children. Joint custody More recently, there has been a movement for joint custody, to keep the noncustodial parent (more frequently the father) from getting the short end of the stick in visitation rights and, even more important, to keep that parent from feeling divorced from his children and feeling that he is no longer a real parent--a feeling that often leads to a gradual withdrawal from contact with the children. When speaking of joint custody, some lawyers and parents mean an equal sharing of the children, such as four days with one, three with the other, or one week with one and then a week with the other. This may or may not be practical for the parents or comfortable for the children. School-age children have to keep going to the same school, and the same may be true for daycare or preschool. Children like and benefit from routine schedules. A spirit of cooperation Joint custody may be better thought of as a spirit of cooperation between the divorced parents in regard to the children's welfare. This means first and foremost that they consult with each other about plans, decisions, and responses to the children's major requests so that neither parent feels left out. (It may be very helpful to have a counselor, one who knows the children, to help the parents come to some decisions.) The second priority is to share the children's time in such a way that each parent keeps as closely in touch with them as possible, which will have to depend on such factors as the distance between the parents' dwellings, the capacity of the dwellings, the location of the school, and the preferences of the children as they grow older. Obviously, if one parent moves across the continent, the visits will have to come at vacation times, though the parent can still keep in touch by letter and phone. Joint custody is only practical when both parents believe that they can bury what bitterness they have toward each other for the benefit of their children. Otherwise the wrangling will be continuous. Then it's better to let one parent have custody and let the judge set the rules for visitation. When a child, especially during adolescence, finds tensions building with the custodial parent, she may start thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes it is better for this child to live with the other parent, at least for a while. But a child who moves back and forth several times may be trying to leave her problems behind rather than solve them. So it's important to try to get to the bottom of what's troubling her.
| |  | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| About Us |
Contact Us |
Our Partners Privacy Policy | Ethics | Advertising Policy | Terms of Service © Copyright 2004 The Dr. Spock Company. All Rights Reserved. THIS SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information drSpock.com
provides is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for
professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your health care
professional if you have a specific health concern. Mention or advertisement
of any product, service, or brand does not constitute endorsement, guarantee,
or recommendation by The Dr. Spock Company. Please read our full
Terms of Service. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
