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| |    Divorce: Telling the Children by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Children are always aware of and disturbed by conflicts between their parents, whether or not divorce is being considered. It is good for them to feel that they can discuss these situations with their parents, together or singly, in order to get a more sensible picture than their morbid imaginations may suggest. Avoid blaming It is important for children to believe in both their parents, in order to grow up believing in themselves, so it is wise for the parents to avoid bitterly heaping blame, which is a natural temptation. Instead, they can explain their quarrels in general terms, without pinning the blame: "We get angry about every little thing"; "We quarrel about how to spend money"; "It upsets Mommy when Daddy takes several drinks." Wait before mentioning the word 'divorce' It is wise to keep children from hearing the word "divorce" shouted in anger. When divorce is almost certain, it should be discussed, not just once but again and again. To young children, the world consists of the family, which to them is mainly their parents. To suggest breaking up the family is like suggesting the end of the world. Explain things in concrete terms The divorce has to be explained much more carefully to them than it would be to an adult: that the children will live most of the time with, let's say, their mother; that their father will live nearby (or far away); that he will still love them and will still be their father; that they will live with him according to some schedule; and that they can telephone him and write him letters anytime. It is also very important to tell the child over and over again that it wasn't anything she did that made her parents divorce. Young children are very egocentric and will imagine that it was their actions that caused the parents to separate. Let them ask questions Just as important as telling the children about the divorce is giving them ample opportunities to ask questions. You'll be amazed at some of their mistaken assumptions--for example, that they caused the divorce or that they may lose both parents. It is wise to get these misunderstandings straightened out as promptly as possible, but don't be surprised if young children slip back into weird misconceptions. They will probably need to hear the information repeated again and again.
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