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| |    Divorce: How Older Children Respond by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. When you make the decision to divorce, you hope that it will lead to a better life for you and your children. But during the actual process of divorce, your children are not likely to see it that way. They often feel upset, worried, angry, and sad. Young children have an especially hard time putting these jumbled, awful feelings into words. Instead, they might cling to an old security blanket, get into fights at school, become overly quiet, or even become unnaturally "good." Knowing how children at different developmental stages typically react to divorce might help you to recognize the signs of emotional strain and meet your children's unspoken needs. Early school age (six to eight years) Children at this age can be very vocal about their feelings. One child cries a lot. Another yells angrily at his mother, "You made him go away!" Others are quieter. But they might lose concentration in school, their grades might slip, and they may withdraw from their usual activities with friends. Faced with a crisis, it is normal for people to regress emotionally. So a school-age child who normally seems quite mature will often respond to the crisis of divorce as a younger, preschool-age child might, with egocentric and magical thoughts: the belief that it was their fault that the marriage broke up, and that if they would only act perfect, the situation could be reversed. The emotional strain caused by these beliefs is considerable. Children need to be told again and again, "You didn't break the marriage, and you can't fix it. It was an adult decision." They also need the reassurance, as much as you can give it to them, that "Your father (mother) and I will always love you; that won't ever change, even though we can't love each other anymore." Older school-age children (9-12 years) At this age, children can be more analytical about the divorce, although their emotional understanding still will be at a low level. They are often very concerned by the practical effects of the divorce: moving to a new school and neighborhood and leaving friends behind; losing their bedroom and house, and perhaps moving into something much smaller. Schoolwork, which is quite demanding at this age, tends to suffer. Subtle signs of depression--withdrawal from social activities or an increase in solitary TV viewing, for example--may be easily missed in the midst of all of the changes and crises. In some respects, a child who is very vocal about feelings of sadness and anger may be handling things better than a child whose silence seems to say, "No one is listening to me, anyhow." Some very responsible children will take on a sort of caretaking relationship with their custodial parent, becoming prematurely responsible. Although this can be a great help, it can create a long-term problem, as children may miss out on normal childhood experiences while they are busy acting like little parents. Relationships with adults outside the immediate family are important for school-age children. These might be teachers, coaches, grandparents, parents of friends, priests, rabbis, or other religious leaders. These relationships can be even more helpful for children going through a divorce. It is wise to make a special effort to help a child preserve these relationships. So, for example, it makes sense to go out of your way to keep the same piano teacher if that person is important to your child. Adolescents During adolescence, children step away from their families, looking to peers and other role models as they work to construct new identities. Almost paradoxically, even as they are exploring away from their families, they rely on the families as a stable point of reference and support; the family is someplace to fall back to, temporarily, when things in the bigger world become too frightening. Divorce changes that. Behaviorally, adolescents will often act out sexually or with other risk-taking or possibly illegal activities. School grades often drop. Adolescents may pull away from their friends and take up with a new set of children, many of whom may have divorced parents. Frankly, the risk for emotional problems is high. Children with divorced parents are over-represented among children seen as outpatients for psychological problems, and among those hospitalized for serious emotional problems. Adolescents who have experienced the divorce of their parents are apt to worry about their own ability ever to have happy and stable marriages. If their parents failed, how can they hope to succeed? These concerns, and the social difficulties they bring, often persist well into young adulthood. And all these things are added to the grief and longing that children of all ages--and adults--feel in the wake of a divorce. Adolescents, like older school-age children, benefit from supportive relationships with other adults and continued involvement in school and after-school activities (sports teams, drama, music, and so on). I think it makes sense to offer adolescents a chance to talk with a helping professional--a doctor, psychologist, or social worker--even if the adolescent seems to be handling the divorce well. At the least, this is an opportunity for the adolescent to feel supported and heard; it might also be an entry point for more concerted therapy, if that is needed.
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