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| |    Divorce: How Younger Children Respond by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. When you make the decision to divorce, you hope that it will lead to a better life for yourself and for your children. But during the actual process of divorce, your children are not likely to see it that way. They often feel upset, worried, angry, and sad. But it's the rare child who can put his jumbled, awful feelings into words. Instead, he might cling to an old "security blanket," get into fights at preschool, become overly quiet, or even become unnaturally "good." Knowing how children at different developmental stages typically react to divorce might help you to recognize the signs of emotional strain in your children and meet their unspoken needs. Young infants (birth to about nine months) Up to about nine months, most infants handle separations reasonably well because their memories are still very immature. They recognize trusted parents and caregivers and are happy to be with them, but they don't actively miss them when they are apart. It is still largely "out of sight, out of mind." On the other hand, the young infant is very sensitive to the emotional state of his mother or primary caregiver. I am impressed that separating or divorcing from the father during pregnancy or the baby's first year is one of the very hardest things for mothers to deal with. Just at the time that you feel most vulnerable, most in need of support, and most wanting to share the joy of a new baby, you find yourself abandoned. The same is true for fathers who find themselves suddenly left with young children to care for alone, although this happens much less often than for mothers. The feelings of depression that follow can affect your baby indirectly. Even when you manage to meet all of his physical needs, you may not be emotionally able to provide much spontaneous, joyful interaction. In this situation, a supportive adult can help relieve some of your isolation and can also give your baby the attention he needs. Infants are not terribly selective: any attentive, responsive, kind adult will do. Older infants and toddlers (9 months to between 18 and 24 months) Children at this age are likely to miss the absent parent, particularly if their relationship was close. A toddler who seems to have lost her "spark," who plays less, perhaps eats less, and seems sort of aimless, is showing signs of depression. Sleep problems are common. Increased clinginess might be a sign that she is worried about losing you, too. You might see an increase in tantrums, or she might become much quieter than before. To make it worse, divorce often brings other big changes in the toddler's life. She might have to move to a new house or enter a new child-care setting, perhaps because you have had to begin working outside the home. It is understandable that she might feel lost, as if everything that gave her life meaning was going away. If you yourself are in the midst of grief or depression, it may be hard to tune in to these changes in your toddler. It helps to have family or friends who can give you a reality check. Being more removed from the emotional storm, they can sometimes be more objective. There are several things you can do to help your toddler. Try as much as possible to maintain the usual routines of life; young children take great comfort in predictability. Maintain as much regular contact as possible with the absent parent. If physical contact is not possible, use the telephone; put pictures in the baby's room (even though this may be very hard for you). Bring in a family member or friend who can help with child-care duties and give some extra attention. Don't be afraid to set limits, the same as before the divorce. Young children need to feel that there is an adult in charge, especially at a time when everything seems to be changing. Preschoolers (two to five years) In many ways, preschool-age children respond like toddlers, with changes in mood, aggressiveness, withdrawal, or other signs of depression. They often regress, with the reappearance of baby talk, security blankets, bedwetting, toilet-training problems, and clinginess. Sleep problems are common (sleep avoidance, nightmares), as are changes in appetite. Preschoolers understand the world in unique ways. A three-year-old is likely to believe that the divorce is her fault because she still sees herself as being at the center of the world. So, in addition to her sadness, she may be carrying a heavy burden of guilt. By the same logic, she might believe that she can make everything OK again because that is how she desperately wants it to be. She may think that she can bring back the absent parent by being especially good. That is a very heavy burden for a preschooler. She might also be afraid that she could be the next to go. After all, if mommy got mad at daddy, and then daddy had to leave, what will happen if mommy gets mad at her? Preschoolers understand much more than they can express in words. Simple explanations and promises, made over and over, can be helpful, even for a two-year-old: "You didn't make daddy leave; daddy and I decided. We both love you, and we always will. I will never leave you; you won't have to go away. I'll always take care of you." Even though you cannot change the basic fact of the divorce, you can help your preschool child by letting her know you understand her feelings and accept them. As with younger children, it is important to maintain regular contact with the absent parent as much as possible, keep to a daily routine (there is comfort in predictability), and set limits just as you did before the divorce.
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