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| |    Divorce: Overview by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. It's been said that the family as an institution in America is dying. I don't think that's true. The family has certainly been changing. Since the mid-1980s, fewer than 10 percent of American families have been made up of a father who goes out to work, a mother who stays at home, and two children. But the family, whomever it may include, is still the center of our daily lives. The family is where the great majority of us get our most important love and nurturance and support. I think that's what counts most, whether a family has two working parents, only one parent, children from previous marriages, or children only on weekends and holidays. Separation and divorce have become common In the United States, there are now about a million divorces a year. Nearly 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Divorce is common in families with young children. The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than for first marriages. While you can read about "friendly divorces" in fiction and see examples of it in movies, in real life most separations and divorces involve two people who are angry with each other and often children who are sad and frightened. The effects of divorce Divorce is upsetting to everyone in the family. Parents struggle with anger, shame, grief, and depression. The custodial parent--the mother in 90 percent of the cases--often carries a heavy burden of working and raising children alone, with less money, less time, and less emotional energy. The noncustodial parent often feels cut off from the family, guilty, and alone. In the short-term, children in divorce struggle with feelings of abandonment, anger, fear, and longing. Divorce remains upsetting to children and parents for years. Many of the parents and children studied by Judith Wallerstein,1 for example, were still upset 10 years after the divorce. Divorce is always hard on the children. Although many are able to pull through and emerge healthy and strong, many show short-term disturbances, and many have long-term problems. Children from divorced families are far more likely than other children to need psychological or psychiatric help. Whether this is because of the divorce itself or the stresses leading up to the divorce is not known. A major focus of the pages that follow is to help you protect your children, as much as you possibly can, from the harmful effects of divorce. Before you divorce Divorce is usually disturbing to all members of the family for at least a couple of years. Of course, it may be less upsetting than continued hostile conflict. But there is a third alternative--marriage counseling or family therapy or family guidance at a clinic, at a family social agency or with a private therapist. To learn more about this alternative, click here. [divorce4-marriage counseling] Issues to consider Divorce raises many questions: How and what should the children be told before, during, and after the divorce? What emotional reactions can parents expect in themselves, and how can they deal with them? What about custody and visitation? What is the role for grandparents and other adults? Where can you get support and help? Click on the pages below for answers. 1Wallerstein JS, Blakeslee S. Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce. New York: Ticknor and Fields, 1989.
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