 | ||
|
| |    Why People Choose to Adopt by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. A couple should decide to adopt only if both of them love children and want very much to be parents. All children, biological or adopted, need to feel that they belong to and are loved by both father and mother deeply and forever if they are to grow up secure. An adopted child can easily sense a lack of love in one or both parents because she may not be as secure to begin with, having been through one or more previous separations. She knows that she was given up for some reason by her biological parents, and she may fear secretly that her adopted parents might someday give her up, too. You can see why it's a mistake to adopt when only one parent wants to, or when both parents are thinking of it only for practical reasons, such as to have someone to take care of them in their old age. Occasionally a woman who is afraid that she's losing her husband will want to adopt a child in the futile hope that this will hold his love. Adoptions for these reasons are unfair to the children and usually prove to be wrong from the parents' point of view, too. Parents with an only child who is not very happy or sociable sometimes consider adopting another to provide company. It is a good idea to talk this over with a mental health professional or the adoption agency before proceeding. The adopted child is apt to feel like an outsider compared to the other child. If the parents lean over backward to show affection for the newcomer, it may upset rather than help their biological child. This is a potentially risky business for all concerned. There can be pitfalls, too, in adopting to "replace" a child who has died. Parents need time to work out their grief. They should adopt only because they want a child to love. There is no harm in adopting one who is similar in age or sex or appearance to the child who died, but the comparisons should stop there. It is unfair and unsound to want to make one individual play the part of another. She is bound to fail at the job of being a ghost, and she will disappoint the parents and become unhappy. She should not be reminded of what the other child did, or be compared with her out loud or in the parents' minds. Let her be herself. (Some of this applies also to the child who is born after an older one dies.) The adopted child must belong, completely The adopted child may have the secret fear that her adopting parents, if they change their minds or if she is bad, will someday give her up, just as her biological parents did. Adopting parents should always remember this and vow that they will never, under any circumstances, say or hint that the idea of giving her up has ever crossed their minds. One threat uttered in a thoughtless or angry moment might be enough to destroy the child's confidence in them forever. They should be ready to let her know that she is theirs forever at any time the question seems to enter her mind--for instance, when she is talking about her adoption. I'd like to add, though, that it's a mistake for the adopting parents to worry so about the child's security that they overemphasize their talk of loving her. Basically, the thing that gives the adopted child the greatest security is being loved, wholeheartedly and naturally. It's not the words but the music that counts.
| |  | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| About Us |
Contact Us |
Our Partners Privacy Policy | Ethics | Advertising Policy | Terms of Service © Copyright 2004 The Dr. Spock Company. All Rights Reserved. THIS SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information drSpock.com
provides is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for
professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your health care
professional if you have a specific health concern. Mention or advertisement
of any product, service, or brand does not constitute endorsement, guarantee,
or recommendation by The Dr. Spock Company. Please read our full
Terms of Service. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
