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| |    When to Tell a Child She Is Adopted by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. All the experienced people in this field agree that a child who has been adopted should be told. She's sure to find out sooner or later from someone, no matter how carefully the parents think they are keeping the secret. It is practically always a very disturbing experience for an older child, or even an adult, to discover suddenly that she is adopted. It may disturb her sense of security for years. The news shouldn't be saved for any definite age. The parents should, from the beginning, let the fact that she's adopted come up naturally and casually, in their conversations with each other, with the child, and with their acquaintances. This will create an atmosphere in which the child can ask questions whenever the subject begins to interest her. She will find out what adoption means bit by bit, as she gains understanding. Matter-of-fact is best Some adopting parents make the mistake of trying to keep the adoption secret; others err in the opposite direction by stressing it too much. If they go too earnestly at the job of explaining to the child that she's adopted, she may begin to wonder, "What's wrong with being adopted, anyway?" But if they accept the adoption as naturally as they accept the color of the child's hair, they won't have to make a secret of it or keep reminding her of it. They should remind themselves that, having been selected by an agency, they're probably darned good parents and the child is lucky to have found them. Adoptive parents need to resolve their fears and anxieties or they will communicate them to the child.
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