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| |    Whining: What To Do by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. There are definite, practical steps you can take if your child, despite being otherwise healthy, is a habitual whiner. First you have to decide whether your attitude feeds the whining. You may be using some expression of evasiveness or hesitation or submissiveness or guilt, mixed with the inevitable irritability that comes from feeling victimized. This is the most difficult step, because parents are usually quite unaware of anything except their impatience and the child's constant demands. If you can't see any uncertainty in your behavior, try to think of other reasons your child feels it necessary to whine, and then ask yourself how you may be unwittingly reinforcing the whining - for example, by paying too much attention to it or by finally giving in to stop the onslaught. When parents have a natural self-confidence about managing their children and are doing it effectively, they usually can show a friendly manner combined with clearness and firmness. The child is kept in a cooperative mood by the friendliness, and the parent's certainty gives the child the explicit guidance she needs and wants. Confident parents don't engage in endless arguments with their child about the limits they've set. If allowed, children will keep this conversation going forever and probably outnegotiate the parent at every turn. State your case, set your limits, and end the conversation pleasantly but decisively. Make rules and stick to them Parents should make as many rules as necessary to cover all the usual pleas and then stick to them with determination and consistency. Bedtime is always to be at a certain hour; only certain television programs may be viewed; friends may be invited for a meal or an overnight only at a certain frequency. These are the family rules, etched in stone by benevolent dictators. There are just no arguments about them. If your child whines that he has nothing to do, it's smarter not to be drawn into suggesting a variety of possible activities, which a child in this mood will scornfully and with relish shoot down, one by one. You can toss the responsibility back to the child, without getting bogged down in futile arguments, by saying, "Well, I've got a ton of work to do, but then I'm going to do some fun stuff afterward." In other words, "Follow my example: Find things to do for yourself. Don't expect me to amuse you or argue with you." It's right for children to be allowed to ask for something special occasionally. And it's right to give freely what they ask for, as long as you feel it is their due and is what you want to give. But learn to prevent their whining and your frustration by setting limits confidently and promptly, before their demands become incessant and petulant.
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