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| |    Whining: Why Some Parents Tolerate It by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. I believe that, unconsciously at least, some parents feel that the child has the right to keep making excessive demands, that the parents have to be submissive because they may be guilty of something - not giving the child what she needs, perhaps, or of not loving her enough. Extremely conscientious parents who were brought up with a lot of criticism from their own parents, and who as a result are easily made to feel inadequate, often begin child care with at least a mild sense of guilt about their lack of knowledge on the subject and with a fear that they'll do the wrong thing. There are various reasons for parents to feel unconsciously guilty toward only one of their children. The parent may not have been fully ready for the pregnancy, may have resented the unborn child, may have gotten off on the wrong foot with a baby who, for example, was very fretful or demanding, or may be reminded of a family member who made the parent's life miserable in the past and aroused a great deal of both hostility and guilt, emotions which now determine that parent's behavior toward the child. So it's often submissiveness or guilt that makes parents unable to draw the line and resist promptly, firmly, and matter-of-factly. That would stop the whining, because children always know when parents really mean no. But the parents of whiners usually can't be that definite. Instead of saying, "No, you cannot have a snack now, it's almost time for lunch," they say, "Well, maybe just a little snack." So the child makes a new demand: "Can I have a cookie for my snack?" The parent says, "Well, maybe, just one cookie," but the child has caught on by now, and with a gleam in her eye she grabs a big handful of cookies. Ever the opportunists, children are experts in perceiving and capitalizing on parental indecision.
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