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| |    Whining: Why? by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. This page describes the problem of excessive whining, and some of its causes. It's in the preschool and early school years that whining is most common. I want to talk about the special problem of the chronic, continual whiners who make themselves and their parents miserable. This is a pattern of excessive demandingness that takes weeks and months to become fully established and quite a while to overcome. (This applies only to the habitual whining of a child who is physically well. There are other, less common cases where children whine because of chronic physical illness or acute unhappiness following such events as their parents' divorce.) The whiner's words may vary "There's nothing to do," she keeps complaining on a rainy day, or "Why can't I stay up for this program?" - but the wheedling, whining, nagging tone is unmistakable. And it's the same request again and again. Most of the requests are quite natural, in the sense that they are for things or activities that all children enjoy, but they are made repeatedly and in an unreasonable way. Whining as part of a relationship Many children whine at only one parent, not both, although some are equal-opportunity whiners. In this case, whining often expresses not simply a habit or a mood in a child but also an attitude toward, or a slightly disturbed relationship with, that parent. Often, too, a parent who has two or more children will tolerate whining in only one. I remember spending a day with a family in which the mother was a no-nonsense person with three of her four children. They were polite, cooperative, independent, cheerful individuals, but the 5-year-old girl bugged her mother endlessly. She complained of boredom, hunger, thirst, and cold, when she herself could easily have found remedies for these needs. The mother would ignore her for a while. Then she'd suggest that the girl get what she wanted. But she'd say it in an indecisive or apologetic tone. She never got masterful, even after an hour of steady whining. Sometimes she would even begin to whine back to "quit the whining." The end result: a nonproductive, mewling duet. In one sense, such whining is not a serious disturbance. But it's certainly a pain in the neck to the other members of the family and to their friends, and it can lead to a mountain of frustration in the parent who hears it most often.
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