Spoiling: Why We Do It

September 06, 2008

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Spoiling: Why We Do It

by Dr. Benjamin Spock
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.

In the first place, it usually happens with the first baby. For most people, a first baby is the most fascinating plaything in the world. If an adult can be obsessed for a while with a new car, it's easy to see why a baby is all-absorbing for months.

But delight is not the only factor. Parents are apt to project all the hopes and fears they've had about themselves onto their firstborn. There's the anxiety, too, the unfamiliar sense of being entirely responsible for the safety and happiness of a helpless human being.

The baby's crying makes a powerful demand on you to do something. But you are not always sure what is the best thing to do.

With your second baby you have more assurance and a sense of proportion. You know that children have to be denied some things for their own good and you don't feel guilty about being hard-hearted when you know for sure you're doing the right thing.

If parents always anxiously pick babies up whenever they fuss - as if it would be terrible to leave them there - the babies, too, get the feeling that this would be terrible. And the more parents submit to the babies' orders, the more demanding the children become. Parents then feel like slaves. They feel angry at their babies. Later they feel guilty and give in again.

Some parents are more easily drawn into spoiling than others - for instance:

Parents who have had to wait a long time for a baby and suspect that they may not be able to have another.
Parents with too little confidence in their own worthiness who become willing slaves to a child and expect her or him to be all the things they felt they never could be.
Parents who have adopted a baby and feel that they have to do a superhuman job to justify themselves.
Parents who have studied child psychology in college or have worked professionally in the field and feel doubly obligated to prove their capability (actually, it can be a tougher job when you know the theory).
Parents who are ashamed when they've felt cross at the baby and try to even things up by giving him anything he wants.
Parents who feel angry or guilty when they hear a baby crying and find the tension unbearable.

Whatever the underlying factor, all these parents are a little too willing to sacrifice their own comforts and their own rights by giving their babies anything they ask for. This might not be too bad if babies knew what was sensible to ask for. But they don't know what's good for them. It's their nature to expect guidance from the parents. This comforts them.

When the parents are hesitant, it makes babies uneasy. If parents always anxiously pick babies up whenever they fuss-as if it would be terrible to leave them there-the babies, too, get the feeling that this would be terrible.

And the more parents submit to the babies' orders, the more demanding the children become. Parents then feel like slaves. The trouble is, this is when parents feel cross; later they feel guilty and give in again.


RELATED INFORMATION

			Are You Overprotective?
			Why Some Parents Avoid Discipline
			Spoiling

Adapted from Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care
Reviewed September 18, 2004

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