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| |    How to Handle Different Kinds of Jealousy by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Sibling jealousy takes many forms. If a child picks up a large block and swats the baby with it, the mother knows well enough that it's jealousy. Another child, however, might focus all his resentment against his mother, and grimly dig the ashes out of the fireplace and sprinkle them over the living room rug in a quiet, businesslike way. Another with a different makeup becomes mopey and dependent, loses his joy in the sandpile and his blocks, and follows his mother around, holding on to the hem of her skirt and sucking his thumb. Aggressiveness When the child attacks the baby, a parent's natural impulse is to act shocked and to shame him. This doesn't work out well for two reasons. He dislikes the baby because he's afraid that his parents are going to love her instead of him. When his parents react angrily to his misbehavior, it seems as though they really are withdrawing their love from him. He is too young to understand that parents can be angry at him and still love him at the same time. The feeling that his parents no longer love him makes him feel more worried and cruel inside. Shaming also may make him bottle up his feelings of jealousy. Jealousy does more harm to his spirit and lasts longer if it is suppressed than if it is allowed to stay out in the open. As a parent in this situation, you have three jobs: to protect the baby, to show the older child that he is not permitted to put his mean feelings into action, and to reassure him that you still love him and that he is really a good boy. When you see him advancing on the baby with a grim look on his face and a weapon in his hand, obviously you must jump and grab him, tell him firmly that he can't hurt the baby. (Whenever he succeeds in being cruel, it makes him feel guilty and more upset inside.) But within this situation lies the opportunity to teach the child that his feelings are understandable and acceptable--it is the acting on those feelings that is not permitted. You can turn your grab into a hug and say, "I know how you feel sometimes, Johnny. You wish there weren't any baby around here for Mommy and Daddy to take care of. But don't you worry, we love you just the same." If he can realize at a moment like this that his parents accept his angry feelings (but not his angry actions) and still love him, it is the best proof that he doesn't need to worry. Naughty behavior You are feeding the baby. Your older child looks straight at you and proceeds to toss the remains of his lunch all over the floor, or he pushes over the stack of laundry you just folded. It's easy to understand this intentionally provocative naughty behavior as a way your child is expressing anger and also seeking attention. It is less easy to not take the bait. He wants you to become upset. A more effective response is to try to understand how angry he must be feeling, let him know that you understand, and then calmly help him to clean up the mess. The key message you want to give is that you understand his angry feelings, but will not allow him to act on them. "Too loving" behavior Occasionally you see a small child whose jealousy is turned inside out. He becomes preoccupied with the baby. When he sees a dog, all he can think of to say is, "Baby likes the dog." When he sees his friends riding trikes, he says, "Baby has a tricycle, too." In this circumstance, some parents might say, "We found that we didn't have to worry about jealousy at all. Johnny is so fond of the new baby." It is fine when a child shows love for the baby, but this doesn't mean that jealousy isn't there. It may show up in indirect ways or only in special circumstances. He may hug the baby just a little too tight. Perhaps he's fond of her indoors but is rude when strangers admire her on the street. A child may show no rivalry for months until one day the baby creeps over to one of his toys and grabs it. Sometimes this change of feeling comes on the day the baby begins to walk. Being overly solicitous of the baby is just another way of coping with the stresses, but at its root is the same cauldron of mixed feelings--both love and jealousy--that drive other children to regress or indulge in furious tantrums. It's wise to go on the assumption that there is always some jealousy and some affection, whether they both show on the surface or not. The job is not to ignore the jealousy or to try to forcibly suppress it or to make the child feel deeply ashamed about it, but to help the feelings of affection to come out on top. The child who turns mopey in his jealousy This child, being of a more sensitive and introspective nature, needs affection, reassurance, and drawing out even more than the child who eases his feelings by being aggressive. In the long run, children who respond to the birth of a sibling by withdrawing seem to have the hardest time making a healthy adjustment. With the child who doesn't dare show directly what's bothering him, it may actually help him to feel better if you can say understandingly, "I know that sometimes you can feel mad at the baby and angry with me because I take care of her," and so on. If he doesn't respond after a while, consider hiring a temporary helper for the baby if you can afford one, and see if he can recover his old zest for life through more individual attention for a short while. It is worthwhile consulting a children's psychiatrist or psychologist about the child who cannot seem to get over his jealousy, whether it takes the form of constantly misbehaving or moping or being obsessed with the baby. The therapist may be able to draw the jealousy to the surface so that the child can realize what's worrying him and get it off his chest.
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