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| |    Sibling Quarrels by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. It generally works better if parents keep out of most of the fights between children who can stand up for themselves. When parents concentrate on pinning the blame, it leaves one warrior feeling more jealous. To a greater or lesser degree, children squabble because each would like to be favored by the parents. When parents are quick to take sides, in the sense of trying to decide who is right and who is wrong, it encourages the children to fight again soon. The fight then becomes a tournament to see who can win Mom's allegiance, at least this time. When and how to intervene If you do feel you have to break up a fight, to protect life and limb or to prevent rank injustice or to simply restore quiet, it's better simply to demand an end to the hostilities, refuse to listen to arguments, act disinterested in who is right and who is wrong (unless a flagrant foul has been committed), concentrate on what's to be done next, and let bygones be bygones. Sometimes you might suggest a compromise, other times distraction might save the day, and other times the children may need to be sent to neutral, somewhat boring but very separate locations. I feel that parents should not ignore very frequent quarrels. I would suggest that parents say to their children, "Think how unhappy it makes everyone feel when you argue like that. It certainly makes me unhappy, too." Children do not have the right to make life unpleasant for everyone else through their bickering. Certainly, if the nonstop squabbling is getting to you, sending all parties to separate rooms for a 20 minute timeout can allow you to regain your poise and perspective. Sibling violence Battles between siblings can become violent, both physically and emotionally. It is important to maintain the "no hurting" rule for the household. It is one thing to argue, criticize, and even yell. It is another to degrade, threaten, injure, or humiliate. No child can be allowed to abuse his sibling. If fights at this level occur at all, it is concerning. If they occur with any regularity, then there is a definite problem. Family meetings can sometimes make a big difference. Family therapy, and/or therapy for individual family members, may be necessary.
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