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| |    Reducing Sibling Rivalry by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. There is bound to be some jealousy between siblings. If it is not severe, it probably helps children to grow up more tolerant, independent, and generous. Here are some general approaches to avoid unnecessary sibling rivalry. Why comparisons are so harmful Basically, the thing that makes each child secure in the family is the feeling that his parents love him and accept him for who he is. If they constantly compare him unfavorably to another sibling, either openly or in their thoughts, he senses it and feels unhappy and resentful toward the other children and the parent. The fewer comparisons--complimentary or uncomplimentary--between siblings, the better. Saying to a child, "Why can't you be polite like your sister?" makes him resent his sister and the very idea of politeness. If you say to an adolescent girl, "Never mind if you don't have dates like your sister. You're much smarter than she is, and that's what counts," it belittles her unhappiness at not having dates and implies she should not be feeling what, in fact, she is feeling--a setup for further rivalry. Equal love does not mean identical treatment A harassed mother who is trying hard to treat her jealous children with perfect justice may say, "Now, Susie, here's a little red fire engine for you. And, Tommie, here is one exactly like it for you." Each child then, instead of being satisfied, suspiciously examines both toys to see if there is any difference between the two. It's as if the mother said, "I bought this for you so you wouldn't complain that I was favoring your brother," instead of implying, "I bought this for you because I knew you'd like it." It works better to explain that everyone in the family is special, and so everyone wants and needs different things. "Susie loves trucks, so I found this terrific fire engine for her. Tommie loves race cars, so that's what we're going to find for him."
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