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| |    Newborn's First Days at Home by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. It's usually a hectic moment when the mother comes back from the hospital. She is tired and preoccupied. The father scurries about, being helpful. If the older child is there, he stands around feeling left out, thinking warily, "So this is the new baby!" It may be better for the older child to be away on an excursion, if this can be arranged. An hour later, when the baby and the luggage are in their place and the mother is at last relaxing on the bed, is time enough for the child to come in. His mother can hug him and talk to him and give him her undivided attention. Since children appreciate concrete rewards, it's nice to bring a present home for the sibling. A baby doll of his own or a wonderful new toy can help him not to feel abandoned. You don't have to keep asking him, "So how do you like your new sister?" Let him bring up the subject of the baby when he is ready to. And don't be surprised if his comments are unenthusiastic or hostile. Play down the new baby It's tactful to play down the new baby in the early weeks. Don't act too excited about her. Don't gloat over her. Don't talk a lot about her. As far as is convenient, take care of her while the older one is not around. Fit in her bath and some of her feedings when he is outdoors or taking his nap. Breast- and bottle-feeding Many young children feel the greatest jealousy when they see the mother feeding the baby, especially at the breast. Give him a bottle or a turn at the breast, if he wishes. It's a little sad to see an older child trying a bottle out of envy of the baby. He thinks it's going to be heaven. But when he gets up his courage to take a suck, disappointment spreads over his face. It's just milk, after all, coming slowly, with a rubber taste. He may want a bottle off and on for a few weeks, but there's not much risk that he'll want to go on with it forever if the parents give it to him willingly and if they do other things to help him learn to deal with his jealousy. If he's around when you feed the baby, he should be allowed in freely. But if he is downstairs playing happily, don't attract his attention to what's going on. The goal is not to avoid rivalrous feelings altogether--that is impossible--but rather to minimize them in the first weeks, when the awful reality of the situation for the older sibling is beginning to sink in. Other people play a part in jealousy, too. When a family member walks into the house, he should suppress the impulse to ask the child, "How's the baby today?" Better to act as if he has forgotten there is a baby, sit down, and pass the time of day. Later he can drift on to have a look at her when the older one is interested in something else. Grandparents who make a big fuss over the baby can be a problem, too. If the grandfather meets the older sibling in the front hall with a big package tied up in satin ribbon and says, "Where's that darling baby sister of yours? I've brought her a present," the brother's joy at seeing his granddad turns to bitterness. If parents don't know a visitor well enough to coach her in how to act, they can keep a box of inexpensive presents on the shelf and produce one for the older child every time a visitor comes with a gift for the baby.
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