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| |    What's Behind Sibling Jealousy? by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Jealousy between siblings is a real, powerful emotion that cannot be wished away. You cannot talk your child out of feeling jealous of the new baby. The feeling arises, in part, from the depth of your child's love of you and from the strength of the connection between you. In order to know how to handle this strong feeling most effectively, it helps to put yourself in your older child's shoes, to see the issue from his point of view. The following imaginary scenario might help you to see things from the older child's perspective. (It is written from the perspective of a wife, but it could easily be a husband or other partner.) Imagine that your husband comes home one day with another woman. He announces: "Dear, I love you as much as I always have, but now this person is going to live with us, too. By the way, she is also going to take up a lot of my time and attention because I'm crazy about her. She is more helpless and needy than you are anyway. Isn't that wonderful? Aren't you delighted?" How would you feel about that new woman in your family? I heard of a child who ran to the door when the visiting nurse was leaving and called out, "You forgot to take your baby." There really is no reason for an older child to love the new baby at first. In time, the relationship may grow very close and loving, but at the start the new baby is at best a novelty, at worst, an interloper and enemy. Jealousy and birth order Rivalrous feelings are often more intense in a firstborn child, because he has been used to the spotlight and has had no competition. A later child has already learned to share his parents' attention since his birth. He can see that he's still just one of the children. This doesn't mean that second and third children don't have deep feelings of rivalry toward the next child. They do. More depends on how the parents handle the situation than whether the child is firstborn or not. How your child's age affects jealousy Generally speaking, jealousy of the baby is strongest in the child under five years, because he is much more dependent on his parents and has fewer interests outside the family circle. The child of six or more is drawing away a little from his parents and building a position for himself among his friends and teachers. Being pushed out of the limelight at home doesn't hurt so much. It would be a mistake, though, to think that jealousy doesn't exist in the older child. He, too, needs consideration and visible reminders of love from parents, particularly in the beginning. The child who is unusually sensitive or who has not found his place in the outside world may need just as much protection as the average small child. Stepchildren whose relationships in the family might be shaky anyway may need extra help and reassurance. Even the adolescent girl, with her growing desire to be a woman, may be unconsciously envious of her mother's new parenthood or pregnancy. I heard one bitterly remark: "I thought my parents were beyond that sort of thing." The positive side of sibling jealousy Jealousy and rivalry invoke strong emotions, even in grown-ups. One writer called the birth of a younger sibling the beginning of hatred. These feelings can be more disturbing to the very young child because he doesn't know how to deal with them. Though jealousy can't be completely prevented, you can do a great deal to minimize it or even to convert it into positive feelings. If your child comes to realize that there is no reason to be so fearful of a rival, it strengthens his character so that he will be better able to cope with rivalry situations later in life, at work, and at home. Parents can help a child to actually transform resentful feelings into cooperativeness and genuine altruism. The stresses and strains of coping with a new sibling can be transformed into new skills in conflict resolution, cooperation, and sharing. These are lessons that are hard won. Learning to cope with the challenges of not being the only show in town may be the lesson that is most valuable of all to later success. What you can do What is important is not that the child feels jealous, which is normal, but just how he resolves the feeling. Putting his feelings into words helps him master them. You can say, "I know you are angry and jealous, but hurting the baby won't help." You can add, "And I love you, too. I love you and the baby." If a two-year-old has slapped the baby, for example, you can guide his hand into a caress and say, "He loves you." The older child's feelings are a mixture. You can help the love to come out on top.
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