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| |    Why Are Siblings So Important? by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. Next to the relationship between parent and child, the sibling relationship is the longest and closest in most people's lives. In some sense, it is closer than the relationship between parents and children, since siblings belong to the same generation and share a perspective on their parents that parents simply cannot have. In the normal course of things, the relationship between siblings persists after the parents have grown old and died. Loyalty between siblings is one of the strongest social forces. Sibling relationships are also fraught with tensions and problems. Unlike parents, siblings do not choose each other. Jealousy over parents' love and affection is a powerful emotion, verging at times on hatred. All siblings fight sometimes. In some families, however, the fighting between siblings reaches the level of physical or emotional abuse. Shared genes, distinct personalities Genetically, siblings share on average half of their genes. This is the same percentage shared between each parent and each child. (Identical twins, of course, share 100 percent of their genes; fraternal twins share about 50 percent, just like other siblings.) But any parent of more than one child will tell you, the inborn differences between siblings are often profound. One is easy as a baby, the other tremendously challenging. One likes books, the other climbs trees and does cartwheels from morning to night. One seems eager to please, the other opposes authority. Parents have little say in these temperamental characteristics. At best, they can understand and adapt to them. These differences in temperament also affect siblings' relationships with each other. When temperaments fit well together, the siblings can be a powerful team. When sibling temperaments clash, the children can find themselves living with companions with whom they have little in common. Siblings as an influence in development Next to parents, one of the strongest influences in a child's development is his siblings. Having siblings requires the child to learn about sharing and cooperation. Children also learn many skills directly from their older siblings. It's commonplace for a younger child to learn letters and numbers from her older sister, for example, and later to learn about boys and dating. By watching siblings and how they get along with their parents, children can try out different behavior styles at a distance. They might decide, for example, to model certain behaviors on their older brother, but definitely to avoid other behaviors that result in parental disapproval or anger. Over time, these lessons learned from siblings can have a powerful shaping force on the child's personality. Ask any adult about how they grew up and what made them the way they are, and the discussion is apt to turn to their siblings. The meaning of siblings to parents For many parents, sibling relationships take on a deeper meaning than just whether or not the kids get along. Parents who see their children as supportive of each other take satisfaction in having created a strong family. When siblings don't get along, or are distant, parents often feel that they have failed in some way. Sibling conflicts are often among the most stressful problems a family has to deal with. Dr. Spock wrote insightfully about sibling jealousy, its sources, and strategies for minimizing it. His advice is still very much on target. Much of our material on siblings is taken directly from Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care. A bottom-line message: The love and acceptance that are the foundation for raising healthy children generally are also the most important factors in raising siblings who get along and support each other. But dealing with sibling relationships also takes some special insights. More information: Talk about:
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