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| |    Shyness: What To Do about It by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. Some children are outgoing, while others feel uncomfortable joining a group or being the focus of attention from people outside the family. The tendency to be shy is mostly a matter of inborn temperament, not something that parenting causes or can change. But you can help your child to feel comfortable being who she is. Shyness is often looked down upon, so children who are labeled shy may feel ashamed of themselves, particularly if they sense that their parents want them to act in a way that is very different from what feels comfortable. What helps children the most is to know that their parents accept them as they are and have confidence that they will be fine. You can also help by giving your child extra time and support. But it does not help to allow your child to avoid uncomfortable situations altogether. How to tell if shyness is a problem There is a wide range of shyness that is normal. Not every child needs to be gregarious. A slow-to-warm-up child is usually able to get over her initial tendency to hang back. Once that's done, she joins in joyfully. An overly shy child, on the other hand, avoids many social situations completely and misses out. Normal shyness does not prevent a child from going to school, going to birthday parties, or playing in the park, although a thoughtful adult (often a parent or teacher) may need to take some time to help the child feel comfortable in the beginning. Shyness becomes a problem when it blocks a child's ability to move ahead developmentally--to make relationships with people outside her immediate family, including peers, teachers, and other adults. Shy behaviors Here are some shy behaviors that might concern you. • Your child clings to your legs when there are unknown adults around. After a few minutes of not being pressured, a normally shy child is able to start moving away or playing. I like the term "slow to warm up" to describe this sort of behavior. • At the park, your child stands off on the side as other children play with each other. Afterward, he may say that he had fun, even though all he did was watch. Parents need to feel comfortable letting their children take their time to warm up. • Your child doesn't want to be dropped off at school or at the sitter's house. You may need to stay for several minutes while she becomes comfortable and involved in play. Then, it's best to simply say goodbye without much fuss. This communicates confidence in your child's ability to handle the situation. It shouldn't take longer than a week for a child to become comfortable, although you might have to repeat the process for each new situation. Over time, you can remind your child, "I know you always feel uneasy at first, but then you're always OK." • Your child refuses to speak outside the home. This problem tends to get worse over time; it is probably important to work with a professional in situations such as this. • Your child refuses to "perform" for strangers, as in, "Say your alphabet for the nice doctor, Suzy." This behavior is very common in preschool children. Some completely healthy children may never feel comfortable "on stage." The best approach is to lower the pressure as much as possible. • Your child chooses to play by herself much of the time. This is normal for many children, as long as they have at least one or two friends (for a child age four or older). • Sometimes shyness goes along with other fears--of animals, for example, or the dark. If this is a problem for your child, see the article "Why Do Children Have Fears?" below. Pay attention to your own feelings Sometimes what concerns parents the most about their children are issues that were in fact hard for the parents when they were growing up. If you remember being painfully shy as a child, you might find your child's shyness hard to bear. On the other hand, if you have always been very outgoing, you might find your child's shy behavior especially puzzling. By paying attention to your own feelings, you will be able to focus more clearly on how your child's shyness is affecting him.
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