 | ||
|
| |    How to Raise Nonviolent Children by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Prevention and education are the keys. No one reading this book has purposely set out to raise a violent child and, of course, most of you won't. But I've come to believe that raising nonviolent children and teens is of paramount importance to our society and that all of us must do what we can to prevent violence before it starts. Based on what we know about the precursors of violence, there are some rules I recommend for all families. First, the message at home should be clear and unequivocal: No hurting! That applies to the entire family. Most importantly, parents have to be the role models for this. This rule outlaws not only physical acts, but also words that are intended to cause emotional hurt. Physical punishments, like spanking, should not be used. Time out is an effective, non-violent alternative. See: The Value of Timeout Infants and toddlers When a young child is violent toward another, close attention and tender consideration are first given to the victim, not the aggressor. Then the aggressor should be made aware (to the best of his developmental capability) of how the violence felt to the victim: "That really hurt him. You wouldn't like it if someone did that to you." This is an attempt to begin to teach empathy, the ability to put yourself in another's shoes. Young children, being naturally self-centered, have only a limited ability to feel empathy. A two-year-old biter, for example, really doesn't understand what she's doing to the one she bites. But she certainly can understand that you seem to be paying a lot more attention to the other child than to her. As she gets older--say, around four, when children begin to get less egocentric and have superior language skills--she can begin to understand how it hurts others when she is aggressive. Older children With older children it's quite helpful to routinely talk about violence. You can ask what is happening at school. Are there fights? Why do you think kids fight? What do you do when someone wants to fight with you? Based on the answers, you can role-play how one could respond to various confrontations without using violence. For example, you can explore the motivation of the aggressor: "Why do you think he's picking a fight. Do you think it's because fighting makes him feel better? Do you think it's cool to fight a lot?" Then you can go through how your child might respond to a situation that could escalate into violence. For example, you can have your child try saying: "I know you want to fight but this isn't worth fighting about. I don't really have anything against you. If you want to talk about things, then let's do that. But if you want to fight, I'm walking away. If you continue to bother me, I'll tell the teacher (or parent)." Your goal is to devise nonviolent ways to defuse potentially violent situations. You are also trying to teach a calm, reasonable response to an ambiguous or volatile situation. Rather than just lashing out at the slightest invitation to fight, you'd like your child to think to himself: "Why is this guy doing this? Is he upset? Is he drunk? How can I calm him down? What possible good could come from fighting?" Raising nonviolent teens is as easy, and as hard, as all the rest of parenting. On the one hand, child rearing that has been loving, reasonably consistent, and fair is the best immunization against the epidemic of teen violence. But, given the pervasiveness of violence among teens, this problem requires special attention and care, even in the gentlest of families. It is quite clear that violent people are made, not born. The creation of a nonviolent society, then, begins in the home, in the family, with you.
| |  | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| About Us |
Contact Us |
Our Partners Privacy Policy | Ethics | Advertising Policy | Terms of Service © Copyright 2004 The Dr. Spock Company. All Rights Reserved. THIS SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information drSpock.com
provides is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for
professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your health care
professional if you have a specific health concern. Mention or advertisement
of any product, service, or brand does not constitute endorsement, guarantee,
or recommendation by The Dr. Spock Company. Please read our full
Terms of Service. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
