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| |    Can You Treat Siblings Equally? by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Some children by nature seem active and outgoing. Others are quiet and shy. Some are easy to raise and others just plain difficult. Like it or not, you can't order the kind of child you want. You have to take what you get. Parents have unique personalities, too Of course, parents have well-formed personalities as well, which they can't change overnight. One gentle couple might be ideally suited to raise a boy with a sensitive nature but may not be nearly so ready for an energetic, assertive boy whom they find baffling and challenging, no matter how much they love him. Another couple may handle a spunky son with ease and joy but be quite disappointed with a quiet, thoughtful one. It doesn't really matter that the parents are intelligent people who well know that they can't order the kind of child they wanted most. Being human, they have irrational expectations and can't help feeling let down. Goodness of fit Goodness of fit--that is, how well your expectations, goals, hopes, dreams, and aspirations for your children fit with the talents and temperament they were born with--will play a significant role in determining how well things go for you and your children as you go about the business of raising them. In my experience, it is goodness-of-fit issues that seem to cause the most discipline and other problems for parents. If, for example, you are chronically disappointed that your child is not a math whiz or well coordinated, and if you spend a significant amount of time trying to make him what he is not (and does not have the inborn talent to be), then I can guarantee trouble is brewing both for you and your child. If, on the other hand, you can learn to accept and love your child for who he really is (and not what you would like him to be), then your life together is likely to be a lot smoother. Are parents meant to love each child equally? This question worries a lot of conscientious parents because they suspect that in some ways they don't. They reproach themselves because they have different feelings about each of their children. I think they are expecting the impossible of themselves. Good parents love their children equally in the sense that they are devoted to each one, want the best for all of them, and will make any necessary sacrifices to achieve this. But since all children are quite different, no parent can feel just the same about any two of them. It's human and normal and inevitable that we should feel quite differently about each of our children, that we should be impatient with certain characteristics in some of them and proud of others. I think that it is the acceptance and understanding of these different feelings, rather than feeling guilty about them, that will allow you to treat all of your children with the love and special attention each one needs. More information: Talk about:
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