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| |    Parents Have Needs, Too by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. There is so much emphasis on the child's needs--for love, for understanding, for patience, for consistency, for firmness, for protection, for comradeship--that parents sometimes feel physically and emotionally exhausted just from trying to keep up with what is expected of them. They get the impression that they are meant to have no needs or life of their own apart from their children. The needs of a parent It is equally as important to children as to parents to consider the genuine needs of parents: their frustrations (both inside and outside the home), how tired they get, the human need to hear, at least once in a while, that they are doing a good job. There is an enormous amount of hard work that goes along with child care: preparing the proper diet, washing clothes, changing diapers, cleaning up messes, stopping fights and drying tears, listening to stories that are hard to understand, joining in games and reading books that aren't very exciting to an adult, trudging around zoos and museums, responding to pleas for help with homework, being slowed down in housework and yard work by eager helpers, going to parent-teacher association meetings on evenings when you are tired, and so on. Additionally, children's needs always seem to come before the parents'. They account for a good part of the family budget, from the high rent or mortgage on a large enough house to the shoes that wear out or are outgrown in no time at all. Children keep parents from parties, trips, theaters, meetings, games, friends. Spontaneity is a long-lost friend, and the fact that you still prefer having children, wouldn't trade places with a childless couple for anything, doesn't alter the fact that you miss your freedom. The true rewards of parenting The fact is that child-rearing is a long, hard job, the rewards are not always immediately obvious, the work is often undervalued, and parents are just as human and almost as vulnerable as their children. Taking care of their children, seeing them grow and develop into fine people, gives most parents--despite the hard work--their greatest satisfaction in life. It is a creative and generative act on every level. Pride in other worldly accomplishments usually pales in comparison. Excessive preoccupation Many conscientious people facing the new responsibility of parenthood feel that they are being called on to give up all their freedom and all their former pleasures, not as a matter of practicality, but almost as a matter of principle. Others just get obsessed. They forget their hobbies and interests. Even if they do occasionally sneak off, they feel too guilty to get full enjoyment. They come to bore their friends and each other. In the long run, they chafe at the imprisonment and can't help unconsciously resenting their parenting obligations. Maintaining a relationship with your partner I think that the temptation to become totally absorbed in your child should be resisted and particular attention paid to sustaining other important relationships in your life. After you have made all the necessary sacrifices of time and effort to your children, carve out some quality time with your partner. Remember to look at each other, smile at each other, and express the love you feel. Make an effort to find enough privacy and energy to continue your sexual relationship. Your child will learn by example Remember that a close, loving relationship between parents is the most powerful way children learn about how to be intimate with another person, a lesson that your child is likely to carry into his or her adult relationships. So one of the best things you can do for your child, as well as for yourself, is to work to let your children deepen, not inhibit, your relationship with your partner.
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