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| |    Starting School or Preschool by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. The four-year-old who is outgoing takes to preschool like a duck to water and doesn't need any gentle introduction. It may be quite different with a sensitive three-year-old who still feels closely attached to his parents. If a parent leaves him at school the first day, he may not make a fuss right away, but after a while he may miss the parent. He may become frightened. The next day he may not want to leave home. Introduce preschool gradually With a dependent child like this, it's better to introduce him to school gradually. For several days a parent might stay nearby while he plays and then take him home again after a time. Each day they stay for a longer period. Meanwhile, he is building up attachments to the teacher and other children that will give him a sense of security when his parent no longer stays. Sometimes a child seems quite happy for several days, even after his parent has left him at school. Then he gets hurt and suddenly wants his mommy or daddy. In that case, the teacher can help the parents decide if one of them should come back for a number of days. If a parent is staying around the school, it's best to remain in the background. The idea is to let the child develop his own desire to enter the group so that he forgets his need for his parents. Think about your own feelings Sometimes your anxiety is greater than the child's. If you say goodbye three times over, with a worried expression, he may think, "It looks as if something awful might happen if I stay here alone." It's natural for a tenderhearted parent to worry about leaving a small child for the first time. Let the preschool teacher, who often has a lot of experience, advise you. Be firm A child who starts with some genuine anxiety about separating from the parent may learn that this gives him control over a highly sympathetic parent. He may then progressively exploit this control. When a child becomes reluctant or fearful about returning to a school with understanding teachers, I think it is usually better for the parents to act quite confident and firm and explain that everybody goes to school every day. In the long run, it's better for the child to outgrow his dependence than to give in to it. If the child's terror is extreme, the situation should be discussed with a child mental health professional. First days of 'real' school How much pressure should you put on the child of three to six years who resists going to school? I feel that a parent should be willing to stay in the classroom--in the background--for a few days while the child gets used to the teacher, the other children, and the fascinating activities. But there should be no more than a week of this familiarizing--less if the child is willing. The experienced teacher has learned that the combination of a determined child and a very tenderhearted parent changes the situation: No longer is it a matter of separation anxiety. It is instead a power struggle, which the child can always win by acting panicky. It sometimes helps to have the father escort the reluctant child to school. In any case, the child should not be deceived. She should be told that she has become friends with the teacher and the other children, so tomorrow mother will not be staying at school. The parent should say goodbye once, cheerfully, and then leave.
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