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| |    Why Some Parents Avoid Discipline by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Quite a few parents shy away from guiding and controlling their children (though they may play often with them), leaving most of this work to their spouse. I think of fathers who hide behind the paper or remain glued to the television set when a crisis occurs. Mothers who aren't entirely sure of themselves may get into the habit of saying, "Just wait until your father gets home!" Parents want to be pals Some of the nonparticipating fathers explain, when their wives reproach them, that they don't want their children to resent them the way they often resented their fathers. Instead, they want to be pals with their children. It's good for children to have friendly parents who will play with them, but children need parents to act like parents. They will have many friends in their lifetime, but only one set of parents. Children provoke nondiscipliners When a parent is timid or reluctant to give leadership, the children feel let down, like vines without a pole to grow on. When parents are afraid to be definite and firm, their children keep testing the limits, making life difficult for the parents and also for themselves, until the parents are finally provoked into cracking down. Then the parents are apt to feel ashamed and back off again. The nondiscipliner becomes the bad guy The father who avoids the disciplinary role simply forces his wife to discipline for two. In many such cases, the father does not end up with the friendly relationship he seeks. Children know that adults get irritated when they keep misbehaving. When they are dealing with a father who pretends not to notice, they feel uneasy. Children respect disciplining parents Children may fear this kind of father more than the one who participates freely in their management and expresses his irritation. When fathers are open in this way, their children have opportunities to learn just what his displeasure means and how to deal with it. They find out that they can survive it, and this gives them a kind of self-assurance. When fathers dodge child management and hide their displeasure, the children may imagine that they are concealing an anger that is much more dangerous than it really is. Click here to join the discussion on Discipline
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