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| |    Getting a Handle on Anger by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. When a child is rude to her parent, the parent should promptly stop her and insist on politeness. But at the same time the parent can say that he knows she is cross at him sometimes. All children get mad at their parents sometimes. This may sound contradictory to you. It sounds like undoing the correction. Child guidance work teaches us in case after case that a child is happier as well as better behaved if her parents insist on reasonably good behavior. But at the same time, it helps a child to realize that her parents know she has angry feelings and that her parents are not enraged at her or alienated from her on account of them. This realization helps her get over her anger and keeps her from feeling too guilty or frightened because of it. Making this distinction between hostile feelings and hostile actions works out well in actual practice. Accept your own angry feelings Children feel reassured when parents accept their feelings, but put limits on their actions. You might say, "It's fine for you to feel mad, but you still can't punch your sister." Or, "I know you're mad at me right now, but I still won't give you that cookie." Also, children feel reassured when parents accept their own feelings. It's fine, if you are feeling angry with your child, to say that you are feeling angry, in an angry tone of voice. Your child will see that you can feel angry without anything awful happening. This reassures the child that her own angry feelings, as powerful as they are, are not terribly dangerous. She can handle them. Do you enjoy being with your child most of the time? The advice to express your feelings applies to parents who basically enjoy being with their children most of the time. However, it's not the case that parents always enjoy being with their children. No one always enjoys being with his children. But if you don't enjoy your children at least a lot of the time, there's something wrong. Sometimes worries about money can get in the way. Another factor is anger at a partner or a spouse. Sadness because of personal loss--such as the death of a parent or getting fired--also can block your ability to enjoy your child. If you find that you feel irritated at your child most of the time, and that even very minor misbehavior irritates you, you may be experiencing depression. Depression is common and treatable. If you suspect that you may be depressed, talk with your doctor or a mental health professional. Click here to join the discussion on Discipline
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