1. Start early. Even though this article is about talking to your teen, it's better if you start when your children are younger. Don't wait until your children are already well into puberty to have "The Talk." Instead, make sex a topic of conversation from the very start (for more on this, see Talking with your children about sex.) That way, you and your child will be more comfortable.



2. Talk about the sex that's all around us. You can't watch an hour of TV, open a newspaper or magazine, or drive down a city street without bumping up against sex. Sex sells, and because of that, we are all bombarded by sexualized images, especially in advertisements. Start with a neutral or light-hearted observation, like "What's that model doing in that car ad? Do you think if I bought one of those cars, I could look that great?" Sometimes the conversation will end there. Sometimes it will move on to deal with how the media sells sex, and how that makes some people behave.



3. Talk in the car. You have privacy, and your teen can't just get up and walk away. You probably spend a lot of time driving your teen places, so you might as well make good use of it.



4. Tell your teen where you stand. It's natural for teens to turn up their noses at their parents' ideas, acting as though they've never heard anything quite so dumb before. But, in spite of these shows of independence, adolescents really do care what their parents think, especially about the important issues like what's right versus wrong, and what's safe versus dangerous.



5. Short and sweet. You may wish you could have an in-depth, heart-to-heart talk with your teen about her deepest hopes and fears. Chances are, though, that that's the last thing your teen wants. Instead, you may have to settle for short exchanges, or maybe even one-way conversations. Here's an example of what I mean: Driving down the street, you both see a teenager dressed in a too-tight, too-short, too-skimpy top. You observe: "I wonder if that girl is aware of the message her clothes are sending." Your teen asks, "What do you mean?" You reply, "Boys might respond to her in a way she doesn't like."



6. Show, don't tell. Of course, sex is much more than just different things people do with their bodies. It's really about relationships. The best way to teach your child that sex should be part of healthy, loving, committed relationships is to let your child see you enjoying just that kind of relationship. That doesn't mean going on and on about the sexual aspects of your adult relationships (most teens would die of embarrassment before you got past the first sentence!) It does mean letting your child see you and your spouse or significant other enjoying a health relationship and having a good time together in a physically affectionate way.



7. Leave books around. There are lots of good books that explain about sexual anatomy, the changes of puberty, ways people make love, and the emotional aspects of sex. Talking about sex, and reading such informational books about sex does not make teens act out sexually. If anything, having reliable information takes away some of the mystery about sex, and makes it easier for teens to say No to sexual experimentation. Your local library probably has a good selection of books that are appropriate for teens. Just ask the librarian.



8. Let the doctor help. Family doctors, pediatricians, and nurse practitioners are trained to talk with teens about sex. Sex talk is one of the basic components of the routine "check-up" for teens. Your teen's doctor ought to politely invite you out of the exam room, and explain that this part of the exam is confidential. That means your child has a chance to ask questions without worrying about upsetting you or inviting disapproval. (There are limits to confidentiality, however: when teens report suicidal thoughts or plans, or other very dangerous activities, parents have to be notified.)



9. Get in the habit of listening. If you want your teenage child to talk with you about things that are important to him, get into the habit of listening without passing judgment on what he says, not just about sex, but about everything. If he tells you about a teacher at school who is "really stupid," try to understand what he means by that, rather than simply jumping to the teacher's defense. If he tells you he ought to be able to stay out until 3 a.m., listen to his reasoning about why he thinks that's a safe, wise decision. You don't have to agree in the end, and you still make the rules. But by taking time and effort to listen before you react, you let your teen know that you value his ideas, and that makes it much more likely he'll value yours in return.



10. Respect your teen's privacy. It isn't reasonable, or necessary, for an adolescent to tell his parents every detail of his personal life. You need to know that your teen is safe, and knows enough to make wise decisions. But one of the main tasks of adolescence is to separate emotionally from one's parents, so it's healthy for teens to have privacy, too. Lots of parents have a hard time accepting that they may be excluded from their child's deepest thoughts and feelings. But teens are like clams; the harder you pry, the more they close up. Let your teen know you're interested, open, available, and honest, and chances are, when you least expect it, you'll find yourself talking about the things that really matter.

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