Emotional Intelligence

August 28, 2008

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Emotional Intelligence
What is it, and why is it important?

by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.

Multiple emotional intelligences
Why so important?
Processing emotional information
Language is key to emotional intelligence
How emotional intelligence starts
How to raise emotionally intelligent children

If the phrase, "emotional intelligence" strikes you as odd, it's probably because we're used to thinking about intelligence as being "pure" logic, while emotions just get in the way. It turns out, though, that emotions and intelligence are really closely linked. People who can't identify or understand their own emotions often make bad decisions, no matter how much brain power they have. On the other hand, people who are intelligent about their own and others' feelings, are often successful in life even if their ability to handle hard facts leaves a lot to be desired.

Multiple emotional intelligences
The psychologist, Howard Gardner, argues that there are many different types of emotional intelligence. One type has to do with the ability to understand, identify, and control one's own feelings (intrapersonal intelligence). The other type has to do with the ability to understand, label, and influence the emotions of other people (interpersonal intelligence.) Although the different kinds of emotional intelligence often go together, having one kind doesn't guarantee that you'll have the other. You know from your own experience: some people are skillful at manipulating others emotionally, but don't have much insight into their own inner lives. Others are all wrapped up with their own moment-to-moment feelings, but barely aware of others' feelings.

Why so important?
The ability to predict and influence other people's emotions has to be one of the most important skills any person can have. School children need interpersonal intelligence to be accepted by their peers and negotiate the swirling waters of cliques and coolness. Teens need emotional intelligence to get dates and keep friends. Adults need emotional intelligence to get by in the world of work, and in relationships. If you can't understand and take some control over your own emotions, you never can really act in the world, all you can do is react. In fact, there's research that suggests that emotional intelligence counts more than the traditional IQ-based intelligence when it comes to employment and life satisfaction. Certainly, there are plenty of intellectually bright people around who show very little emotional intelligence, and appear to lose out for that reason.

Processing emotional information
Intelligence is really the processing of information, and emotions are a form of information about the body and how it is reacting to the world and to ideas. Emotions involve two parts: the physical changes in the body (such as speeding up of the heart, sweating of the palms, and tightening of the muscles) and the feelings that those changes evoke (such as anxiety or dread). The physical changes take place mostly outside of conscious control, but the conscious brain can still learn to recognize the body changes that signal emotion and make choices about how to respond.

Language is key to emotional intelligence
One powerful way the thinking brain takes control is by using language, putting feelings into words. An angry four year old can say, "I hate you!" A two year old, on the other hand, can only scream and hit. But emotional intelligence doesn't start at age four. Even before they have language, infants try to manage their emotions.

A very small baby who is overly excited closes her eyes and falls asleep, effectively withdrawing from the stimulation.

A nine month old rocks back and forth for five minutes before going to sleep, as a way of calming himself down. Another baby pulls at a lock of hair, or sucks her thumb.

As adults, we still use many of these same sorts of bodily control methods (we hug ourselves, pace, smoke, etc.).

Language gives us a much more flexible and powerful tool for managing emotions, including some of the more complex ones, such as jealousy, disappointment, and longing. We talk to ourselves, keep diaries, write poetry. An important way to help it along is to talk with your children using feeling words -- mad, sad, happy, excited, frustrated, worried, and so on. The sooner children have these words to draw on, the sooner they can begin honing their emotional intelligence.

How emotional intelligence starts
If understanding your own internal emotions is important, it's equally if not more important for children and adults to recognize and regulate the emotions of other people around them. At first glance, this might seem to be the more difficult task, because you can't actually get "inside" the head of anyone else, while of course you are inside your own (or at least your brain is). But in reality, emotional intelligence about others develops earlier than emotional intelligence about oneself.

Newborn babies are very skillful at influencing other people's emotions (that's what crying is, after all). But since babies aren't conscious of what they are doing it may be a stretch to call this intelligence.

By nine or ten months, the baby is much more sophisticated. She is skilled at "reading" her mother's face, can tell if her mother is relaxed or anxious, happy or sad, interested or bored, and responds accordingly.

The ability to predict what another person's emotional reaction will be, and to act in such a way as to create a particular response, really begins to blossom within the second year of life. This is what is going on when your toddler does something self-consciously "cute," like picking up a picture book and beginning to "read" to you. It's also likely to be the motive for less adorable actions, such as when your toddler looks right into your face, then knocks your favorite knick-knack off the coffee table.

How to raise emotionally intelligent children
So, what does that mean for us as parents? How can we nurture emotional intelligence -- both inter- and intrapersonal -- in our children? I'm only going to offer two tips:

Tip One
Create safe emotional climates in our homes. Children who grow up exposed to physical or emotional violence (and that is a lot of children these days!) learn to turn off their emotional intelligence as a self-preservation method. Abused children tend to have weak language skills in general, but especially weak skills when it comes to using feeling words. They can't point to the picture of the child who is sad, worried, or happy, although they might recognize "angry." That emotion seems to be the one that is preserved intact, even strengthened by abuse. A safe emotional climate doesn't mean that children need to be shielded from all conflict. A certain amount of struggle -- for example, the struggle to get heard over one's siblings at the dinner table -- probably stimulates emotional intelligence in many children. But stress and conflict beyond a certain level are deadly, emotionally speaking.

Tip Two
Be emotionally intelligent yourself. Children learn best by example.

When you get really angry (when, not if!), let your child see how you calm yourself down by taking a few deep relaxing breaths and telling yourself (out loud) some comforting, calming words. One day, you'll be surprised and delighted to see your child use the same techniques.

Notice the emotions your child seems to be showing, and talk with your child about them. More importantly, give your child the opportunity to talk about his or her own feelings, by being a willing listener.

Let your child see you "handle" the emotions of an upset friend or spouse, by listening and responding calmly.

Gaining emotional intelligence is the work of a lifetime, and it starts in childhood. One of your greatest gifts to your children can be a strong foundation in emotional intelligence.


RELATED INFORMATION

			Emotions: What They Mean
			Brains and Thinking
			Family Relationships
			Pathways of Learning

Created April 01, 2003
Reviewed August 15, 2004

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