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| |    Divorce: Custody Arrangements and Issues by Kathy Cole-Kelly, M.S., MSW reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. It is an unfortunate reality that divorce almost always involves an overwhelming number of emotional, financial, and practical issues. Parents often try to insulate their children from some of the unpleasant aspects of this fallout, but even the most protective and well-intentioned moms and dads can't prevent some fundamental changes in their children's worlds. Still, the way in which divorced parents handle these issues can make an enormous difference in how their children adjust to the family constellation changes. Types of custody arrangements As far as the law is concerned, there are four basic custody arrangements:
Job No. 1: Make children feel loved Regardless of the scenario, experts who study the impact of divorce on children are backed by resounding evidence that suggests that the key to a successful adjustment is the parents' consistent, caring relationship with their children. In other words, even if they live faraway, as long as parents are careful to demonstrate their ongoing love for and commitment to their children, the children don't feel as if they are being divorced and the impact of the divorce is greatly reduced. To this end, it is important for parents who are divorcing (or have already divorced) to try their hardest to put aside their own issues, egos, and battles to negotiate custody situations that are most conducive to ongoing contact and connection with their children. A sense of belonging Children need to develop a sense of ownership and belonging in both their parents' homes. While ideally this would mean that they would have their own room in each home, that isn't always possible, and it's not even necessary: The most important factor is that they end up with a space that they can identify as their own, as defined by such things as their own beds, toy boxes, clothing drawers, desks, etc. Helping children make transitions When going from one parent's home to another, children often have difficulty making swift allegiance shifts. Creating some transition rituals can be helpful to ease the emotional difficulty; even simple ones help children feel a sense of belonging, identity, and tradition. For example, a girl and her mother might devise a special handshake as a greeting or always have milk and cookies together after she gets back from her dad's house. When the child visits her father, they can create another ritual that again acknowledges that this is their time together-the dad always offers a hug to his daughter's favorite stuffed rabbit when she comes in the door, perhaps, or they always order pepperoni pizza and watch a video on their first night. Giving permission to love both parents Similarly, when the child leaves the father's or mother's house, a special ritual can be created that helps the child hold on to that parent while connecting with the other. A kiss and an "I love you and have a good time with your dad" might be all that is necessary. Some parents encourage their children to bring along their favorite read-aloud books, which sends a message that it's OK to enjoy time and closeness with the other parent and gives a child a sense of continuity. Children need to feel that it is not only all right to love both of their parents, but that their parents actively encourage this continued affection. Sending the message that it is fine to talk about the other parent or things they did in the other home is another concrete way of making children feel secure about loving both parents. If a child feels that talking about his dad when he's at his mom's (or vice versa) is off-limits, he may start holding in those thoughts and feelings, which can create emotional and physical problems. This isn't always easy for the parents, of course, who may harbor angry feelings toward each other, but it is extremely important for them to try to swallow that rage for their children's sake. That means being open to listening to what a child has to say without chiming in, and not bad-mouthing the other parent (even if the child does).
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